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"It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain"

Inspired by the 2020 University of Chicago Supplemental Essay Prompt 5

“It’s like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain”.

  • President Donald J. Trump

St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Like one would rub the Laughing Buddha’s belly to receive good luck, happiness and prosperity, Donald Trump rubs his breasts to tell when it’s going to rain. At least that’s what this Karen Smith Mean Girls quote would lead us to believe if it were attributed to the current U.S President. To many, this prospect may seem amusing, but in reality it’s much less absurd. Be it for its shameless right-wing bias, its photo manipulation to antagonize reputable journalists, the allegations of sexual assault upon it (an attribute shared with Mr. President), or its elementary level survey studies, it’s common knowledge that Fox News is Trump’s favorite news channel. Would it really be so absurd to watch him rubbing his breasts during the 6 am Fox News weather forecast?

While the existence of Trump’s boobage is something we’ve all unquestionably witnessed, the veracity of their weather forecasting powers isn’t. Partly because I just made it up for the purpose of this essay, but also because any of his responses to climate change concerns would indicate anything but clarity on the matter. I wouldn’t put it past him to believe they actually possess these abilities, but in the end, he’s only proved the opposite, showing nothing but disregard for the danger our planet is currently in. Thermal expansion has resulted in sea levels rising at the fastest rate in 3,000 years to the point where Indonesia’s capital city is relocating as its current is sinking. Average wildlife populations have dropped by more than 60% in the last 40 years, and there’s more carbon dioxide in our atmosphere than any time in human history. This year, more than 46 million acres were scorched in Australia, affecting more than 1.25 billion animals. What’s been his response? Well for one thing, he dismantled the Clean Power Plan, he’s also still out of the Paris Agreement (dealing with greenhouse gas mitigation), he refuses to support legislation to curb super pollutants (such as CFCs), and he still believes that “global warming was invented by the Chinese in order to make U.S manufacturing non-competitive”. During the first presidential debate, however, he did offer a concrete solution to a climate change issue, the California fires. What’s that? Cleanliness and good forest management. That’s his response to the more than 14,000 acres burning in the California Valley, forest guards. Evidently, Donald Trump informs himself on the climate through his breasts, and only through his breasts.

He’ll never admit, but I think I’m right. It’s just that the mere recognition of the existence of those breasts would be preposterous to our dear president. After all, he’s never been the greatest supporter of breasted men, “debreasted” women, or anything in between for that matter. What I’m trying to get at is that Donald Trump has never been a supporter of the transgender community. February 22, 2017 Trump rolled back Obama-era protections for transgender students. August 25th that same year, he signed an order banning transgender military recruits. This last summer, he tried to pass an HHS rule that would no longer protect LGBTQ+ workers from discrimination. The reasoning as to his hostility beats me, but self-hatred for being a breasted cisgender man himself is not far from being a possible answer. I’d rather believe the latter, than believing the U.S president is an ignorant bully. Well, maybe it’s too late for that. Nonetheless, watching Trump do the Fox News weather forecast could result in a breakthrough moment for the president, where he could recognize being a breasted cisgender man, be empowered by his unique identity, and cease his relentless attacks on the LGBTQ+ community, on transgender people in particular.

In the end, we don’t really need to explore the implications of Donald Trump telling the weather off of his breasts. We’re living them. This is the only justifiable reason for his ignorance of both our political and natural climate. Only his breasts would tell him, “we have now the lowest carbon. If you look at our numbers right now, we’re doing phenomenally” and only his self-hatred towards his man boobs would explain his declaration of open season on transgender individuals. I’m still looking forward to that Fox News Forecast happening one day, though, maybe then he’ll encounter the love he’s missing and is so keen on robbing off LGBTQ+ individuals. It all adds up folks, all that’s left is doing the research and making the declaration. Although I’m sure that has never stopped him.

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